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Since the 5^th century Valentine’s Day has been celebrated in various cultures and ways. Today for some will be one that is delighted in as they spend time giving gifts to someone they love but for others the day will be hurtful and one they would wish to avoid. That might be because they have no one special in their life or the one who was so loved is no longer here. For others, the stereotypical ways this day is celebrated makes no sense to them and they see it as a commercial push by card companies, flower shops, candy makers, jewelry stores, restaurants and more. 

Those of you reading this could be any place on the continuum of how this day is viewed. Looking at that and considering how you may view it can be discovered in more than one way but as I was listening to a podcast by John Eldredge this week he raised a question that captures that I think. He asked, “Where did you learn love?”

Sounds like a straightforward question but may leave some scratching their heads as they consider the answer. For most of us we will say we learned love in our home but that does not mean what we know is the same. How love was communicated or not varies greatly from one family to another. In some homes words of love are rarely spoken or acknowledged for as hard as that may be. One man I know acknowledged at the time of his father’s death that he had never heard his dad say, “I love you.” 

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In other homes, the words may have been heard a lot but the behaviors might have been quite different so the words fell flat for you and you grew up uncertain about what love really means and you may be somewhat distrustful of it. If you grew up in an abusive home of any kind, your understanding of love will likely be distorted by what you learned in the midst of the abuse in the place that was supposed to be safe, encouraging, and supportive.

Even “good” families may give a child a sense that love is conditional, based on performance and obedience, conforming to the family norms.

Some homes may be so devoid of love that we may learn it through a kind-hearted perceptive teacher, neighbor, or other adult that came into our lives.

No matter which home was or is yours, we learned love by what we experienced from those we experienced some part of life with and that imprint may still affect how we view it today and how free we are to accept or give it. It may limit what says love to us as well. That suggests it’s good to know that about someone we love in order for our care for them to hit the mark we intend.

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We were designed and created by a loving God who placed within us a capacity and a desire for love that is as essential as breathing. When pain and wounds occur, our heart can be closed off in a desire to feel like we are protecting ourselves from what hurt us but when that is done there is a terrible cost that we miss in doing it.

“Without your heart you cannot hope to find God, for the heart is his dwelling place. If you ignore your heart, it’s like looking for him everywhere but home.”  

John Eldredge

And finding God is why we were designed as we were. He is the only one who can love us perfectly despite all the times we have failed and messed up in every area of our lives including misperceiving Him or even denying Him. He knows our frame and still loves us and wants us to turn toward Him rather than away. When we do, we will find arms wide open eager to embrace us and extend grace when we accept and believe what is true rather than the lies others (including Satan) have told us.

It is that very love we have turned aside from or never risked pursuing that is there to walk with us into the shattered places of our lives and heart to bring the healing we need. It is only when we risk doing that and turn toward Him and choose Him or choose Him again that we can begin to experience His love. And that is what equips us to be able to love others.

God’s love is extravagant. It cost Him everything and He shows it to us in a million little ways each day if we will open our eyes to see and our ears to hear.

When I was still working professionally in marital therapy, one of my favorite homework assignments was to ask one of the two persons to plan a surprise date for the other that cost no more than $5-$10. For most that sounded impossible because we tend to think we need to go to a nice restaurant or spend more money to express our care for the other. What surprised them was that this limit brought about a creativity and fulfillment beyond their usual dates.

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I still recall many of those dates. One that always comes to mind is that of an older couple. The husband knew his wife loved birds and nature in all its beauty. He chose to pack a cooler with a few of her favorite snacks and took her to a preserve one late afternoon that had a tower where the surrounding landscape could be seen. They sat atop this listening to the birds and watched the sun as it began to sink while nibbling on her favorite snacks. She declared it as one of the most romantic dates of their relationship.

You see, time is key in expressing and receiving love. It’s not the big lavish things we may do as much as it is the thoughtful little things that are done that tell us we are seen, heard, known, and loved. And no one does it better than God and He is eager to show us how if we let Him.

Where did you learn love? 

How has that shaped you today?

“If we fall in love with Jesus, not only will nothing on this earth attract us, nothing on this earth will intimidate us.” 

Ken Gire

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