I am not and you are not a haphazard collection of parts and pieces that just happened to come together.

 

How do I know that despite what some scientists might say?

 

I know because Psalm 139 tells me that clearly in verse 13:

 

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb”

 

That verse always blows me away in its clarity. Being formed suggests to me that every aspect of who I am (who you are) was very deliberately planned and purposed by God. When the analogy of being knit is included, it adds meaning as well.

 

Knitting involves manipulating a strand of yarn to create more than what it is in itself. It creates a textile or fabric by means of stitches with loops of yarn that are interlocked together that develops a pattern. The knitter chooses different types of yarn that has a variety of textures and twists. A variety of needle choices add to the mixture to create a knitted fabric of diverse color, texture, weight, heat retention, and water resistance or integrity.

Wow!

 

Think about that when you consider the verse I just quoted. Our designs and patterns when knitting can offer so many options, but remember that God’s creativity is infinite, endless.

 

When we are born, there is so much to learn.

 

Life was simpler before I left my mother’s womb. It doesn’t take long for me to discover there are things I am expected to do in the learning process. In the early weeks and months and years, I learn things I will use for the rest of my life.

 

Whew!!! Is it any wonder I slept so much as a baby!!

 

The expectations I first become aware of are those of my parents. Little by little I recognize what pleases them. I also learn that pleasing them can have definite benefits for me. The subtle development of learning to please begins to connect with siblings and others who gradually enter my world. These are necessary in my development, but over time those choices I make begin to also inform my understanding of who I am.

 

If I habitually seek to please in more and more areas of my life I might never recognize who I am in those inward parts. I may not learn who I was created to be.

 

It doesn’t take long for me to begin to discount, devalue, or hide parts of me that do not seem to please others. It becomes the beginning of the dividing of my heart. It seems to happen to us all no matter what our story.

 

I grew up in a home with a depressed and anxious mother whose world was turned upside down when my younger brother was born prematurely, was developmentally delayed and diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy. My mother felt overwhelmed often and never more so than when my brother would develop temper tantrums.

 

His birth also turned my world upside down. I had been quick to try to please my mother because it not only benefitted me, but also seemed to help her. Now it took on a whole new dimension as I stepped into a role I was not old enough to know how to handle. But the habit of seeking to please was already well in place in me by the time I was five years old and my brother was slowly learning to walk and talk.

 

My life revolved around helping with my brother to care for him and to care for my mother as a result. Slowly, it seemed to consume my life and I began to sense when I wasn’t “taking care of” my brother I was labeled “selfish” and reminded that he was “handicapped” and I wasn’t. So I believed my wants, desires, and hopes needed to be set aside because I was “healthy”.

 

The messages I took inside of me that were not actually said included ones such as I was not important, I was only valued by what I could do, pleasing was what resulted in love, and that I would be my brother’s advocate and caretaker for the rest of my life.

 

As I sought to help my brother learn, my mother started telling everyone that I wanted to be a teacher of handicapped children when I grew up. I had never said that. In moments when I was alone in my room I wanted to write stories, travel, sing on Broadway, and more.

 

The inside me got split off and hidden because to please meant to feel loved and those things I wanted to do and be were not on my mother’s list and I already felt guilty for wanting something different.

 

The list of expectations grew and my heart began to break off in pieces and the concept that there was an original design for me never crossed my mind.

 

Your story is different. It is not mine, but…

 

You may not have responded to expectations as I did, but all of us have been impacted by being or feeling shamed and those experiences provided the soil and fertilizer from which our busyness would grow as our heart became fragmented.

 

I was losing my smile. I was losing my heart just like Mitch in City Slickers.

 

I was also starting to have a skewed view of God and whether He could love me if I wasn’t doing what I believed He expected of me. So now there were expectations I was adding to those I heard or perceived from others and more pieces of my heart got tucked away and labeled.

 

Come along with me in my next post to continue to explore more about what drives us and pushes us to stay busy and how we can get the pieces of our hearts back.

 

 

Nearly every day I read something online, in a blog, in print, or in a book about the epidemic of busyness and exhaustion so many seem to be facing. News media often will include a segment on these issues as well. All of them offer good data and invariably there will be a lot of ways to combat the problem. Most of them offer very good solutions, but can easily feel like another “to do” list that can sometimes create stress. Some of them can create guilt because I am usually found to be guilty of creating the problem. Ugh!!!

 

The result for me is that often I don’t want to read another article on the subject, even if it is good. I can feel that way about any topic that seems to be the current hot topic. Maybe that’s just me, but perhaps some of you might feel that way as well if you have been reading and trying to do lists of good solutions offered on the topic.

 

Sometimes even if we find the solutions helpful, there is something missing either because the ultimate source of the problem has not been addressed or the answer is something hiding in plain sight.

 

A few nights ago my husband and I watched a movie we have loved, but not viewed in quite awhile. It along with some of these recent articles have stirred my thinking and resulted in some reflections I want to share with you over the next few posts.

 

What’s the movie? City Slickers. It was released in 1991 and includes a great cast headed up with Billy Crystal. Many of you may have seen it and if you haven’t, you might enjoy it.

 

To set the stage for the reflections I will be sharing, let me tell you a bit about the theme of City Slickers. Every year, three male friends take a vacation away from their wives for an adventure that gives them a fantasy experience that is supposed to rid them of the doldrums, frustration, exhaustion, and busyness of their lives. One of these, Ed, can be very creative. One of his ideas has them running with the bulls with Mitch (Billy Crystal) getting gored by one of the bulls in the process.

 

Billy Crystal’s character is now turning 39 and is experiencing all the stereotypical things that go with it. His wife sees him as depressed and feels frustrated about how to help him when nothing has worked to bring him back his smile. She registers concern for what is happening with him in his job, with their marriage, and most every aspect of his life. No solution has worked in recent years to relieve the hectic pace, the busyness, and the resulting depressive symptoms.

 

At his 39^th birthday party, Crystal’s friend Ed brings another suggestion, convinced that it will work. He and his third friend, Phil, have planned a two week cattle drive trip out west where the city guys will be transformed into cowboys and drive cattle to Colorado. Crystal is not impressed with the idea and has a family vacation planned, but his wife insists and tells him to “Go. I want you to find your smile.”

 

The movie is full of funny scenes and lines as the “city slickers” learn to ride and rope and before long they head out on the great adventure with little confidence on Crystal’s part that this will be something they can do.

 

The trail boss is someone called Curly played by the leathery-faced Jack Palance. Palance may be old and a cowboy, but he recognizes more than any of these newbies might guess.

 

Crystal gets in trouble several times with Palance as they get started on the drive and at one point is forced to look for strays with Palance alone. Crystal shudders as he rides off behind Palance, but on the trek Palance holds up one of his index fingers when several situations come up. Crystal gets curious about what he means.

 

Palance tells him that the secret of life is one thing, just one thing you can stick to. Crystal asks what that is and Palance tells him, “You’ve got to figure out what that is.” That puzzles Crystal and it doesn’t bring back his smile.

 

Not long after that what was to be a fun adventure turns deadly serious when the “city slickers” end up being left with the responsibility to bring the herd in alone. They have no idea how to do this or exactly the route and face many challenges along the way. But in the process, each man faces his fears, gains courage in learning more about themselves and what is really important.

 

Crystal learns the “one thing” for him and returns home to his family complete with his smile.

 

The theme music is a song by James Ingram entitled “Where Did My Heart Go?”. The first lines of the song are “Where did my heart go, When did it lose the way….”

 

I think the story that unfolds in the movie and the words of the song reveal something the lists and ideas I’ve been reading have missed about the problem of busyness and exhaustion plaguing us.

 

Many of us have lost our hearts. That leads us to two things: 1) losing our hearts has propelled us into busyness, or 2) sometimes our busyness has caused our heart to be lost.

 

Please join me over the next few posts as we look at this with “a new lens” and see what we might discover about how our divided hearts reveal the problem we are often missing.

 

 

Abby Hart was a tough, seasoned detective, but even that could not eliminate the unsettling reality that the murders of her parents twenty-seven years ago had not been solved. One suspect had committed suicide and now a former police officer had confessed to the crime.

 

But something about the case did not add up for Abby. She begins to believe her hunch might be right when she visits an uncle, her father’s brother, in prison. He knew the relationship her parents had with the First Lady when they were back in high school and what he shares draws Abby into more and more certainty there is a connection.

 

Abby knew she needed to let this go. Periodically the case would haunt her, but after talking with her uncle she’s been assigned a cold case with Luke, a private investigator. It would take her to the area of California where a woman she had always suspected now lived as the state’s First Lady. She sees this as the opening to start checking up on this woman she is convinced is connected.

 

She knew she needed to stay focused on the cold case and she was grateful for the great team she was working with, but the temptation kept pulling her back to checking on leads about the First Lady any time she could. She knew what the Word said about vengeance and after she confided a bit to Luke about the murder of her parents, she heard from him that she needed to let go as well.

 

Things get complicated when the assigned cold case takes several twists and turns, but when an FBI agent asks her and Luke as well as her partner, Woody, to take a look at another cold case as a personal favor, the layers of the story start overlapping at the edges. Even so, Abby can’t leave the murder of her parents alone and as each case comes closer and closer to resolution and closing, Abby and Luke become aware of their attraction to each other.

 

The varied story lines keep the reader turning the pages as each case unfolds and secrets begin to be uncovered. Those secrets escalate and Luke becomes more and more concerned for Abby’s safety as he sees Abby distracted from her training and instincts that put her at risk. His concern aggravates Abby and creates tension in their working and personal relationship.

 

The author of Catching Heat, Janice Cantore, is a retired Long Beach, CA, police officer with twenty-two years of experience. This puts her in a perfect position to write suspense novels with twists and turns that keep the reader engrossed and inspired.

 

In exchange for my review, Tyndale through the Blog Network, provided this book, published by Tyndale House.  I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”