Visiting his grandmother was one of his favorite things to do. She would never fail to have things planned for them to do. She had games and toys unlike those at home. She would say they were from “the olden days”, but more than that she had other games she played with him like “Button, Button, Who’s Got the Button”.

 

Then there would be the homemade cookies, often still warm from the oven that she always had waiting for him as well. No matter what she may have needed to do that day, she appeared to always have time for play with him.

 

His very favorite part was when she would pull out a selection of old storybooks that she had read to his mother. He would sit close beside her on the couch or snuggle on her lap, as she would read through the worn pages. Sometimes she would read two or three from the stack on the floor beside them.

 

She asked him questions about his day and week and never seemed to tire of him telling her about the kids at school, the tree house he and his dad were building in the back of his yard, or the adventures he dreamed of taking one day.

 

Over time, the games changed and he no longer sat on her lap to hear her read stories. Instead they simply talked about anything and everything. She still wanted to listen to him and hear the latest news of his life, but one day he discovered something he had missed before. He discovered that his grandmother had stories of her own to tell.

 

As he listened he began to learn about her life as a child, about walking to her one room school in the snow, about riding to church with her family in a buggy drawn by a horse, and how she and her dad had put pennies on the railroad track when the train carrying a dead president had passed near their home.

 

Her stories took him to other times and places, but most of all they gave him a glimpse into the life and heart of this woman who had listened to him all these years. During their visits, he began to enjoy this part the most and preferred to hear her own stories, laugh with her, see her eyes well up in tears at other times, or feel comfortable with the silence that would sometimes fall between them.

 

You see, listening, learning to listen, is an act of love.

 

When we listen, we learn the stories of the lives of others. We grow in empathy and understanding of lives that are not our own and in doing so, we sometimes even come to understand our own better.

 

In his book, A Whole New Mind, Daniel H. Pink writes:

 

“…stories can provide—context enriched by emotion, a deeper understanding of how we fit in and why that matters. The Conceptual Age can remind us what has always been true but rarely acted upon—that we must listen to each other’s stories and that we are each the authors of our own lives.”

 

The truth is that most of our experiences, our knowledge, and our thinking is organized into stories. Stories help us remember.

 

In this fast-paced age of social media, we can lose patience for listening, for hearing the stories. We devalue a precious gift.

 

Jesus knew the value of stories. He told us stories to remind us of the truths and principles for living that He wanted to bury deep in our hearts and minds. He also took time to listen to the stories of others no matter how few the words.

 

He left us a gift in those stories told so many years ago. The gift points the way to Him and shows us how to live.

 

It was an act of His love for us.

 

He is the very best of listeners and He loves to listen to His children tell Him about their day, what they are dreaming of or hoping for, what hurts or haunts them.

 

Your story matters to Him.

 

Never diminish it.

 

 Who are you listening to?

 

 What stories are you hearing?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

G.K. Chesterton has said, “There’s a lot of difference between listening and hearing.” I agree.

If you have been reading my recent posted articles, you are aware there has been a theme about listening. Yes, I have been reading an outstanding book about listening, The Listening Life, by Adam McHugh, but this is a subject and area that has been a keen interest of mine for likely the whole of my life.

If I were to ask you if you were a good listener, many (if not most) of you would say you are a “decent” or “pretty good” listener. Some of us may be and so we are factually answering the question. More of us are not but know we should be good listeners, or we want to be good listeners. No matter where we are on the continuum, ALL of us can grow in this area.

I am not giving you a “listening quotient” quiz, but perhaps you can assess how you’re doing by looking at some of the traits of a good listener and how you fit with each one.

A good listener…

Doesn’t try to rescue, correct, evaluate, impart knowledge, or fix others. It can be so very easy (often with good intentions) to do just that. The problem is that it seems to position us as someone above the one we are listening to and suggests we know more, are better equipped, and thus covertly devalues the person. Adam McHugh writes that it can seem as if we are “standing over people rather than sitting with them”.

A good listener…

Seeks to spend time with great, seasoned listeners. We can learn more from them than any book with a list of techniques. How do we know if they are a great listener? One way is how we feel when we are with them. They make us feel as if they have heard our hearts, not just our words. Their questions are not casual because they desire first to truly know us. They never try to dominate the conversation or manipulate us.

A good listener…

Is not one who seeks to “one up” me when I share, nor are they waiting to turn the conversation back to them. They do not try to project who they are onto me  to suggest they understand me perfectly because of that same experience or feeling. They also do not make me feel as if I am sitting at the FBI being grilled and questioned because they are just curious, looking for information, or because they read a book that said asking questions was a key to good listening.

A good listener…

Remembers the conversation is not about him or her. Even though he or she may be eager to share something, they are focused first and foremost on the interests, needs, heart, and spirit of the other person. When we ask open questions (ones that cannot be answered by “yes” or “no”), we show true interest in the person versus asking questions out of courtesy so we can get back to talking about ourselves.

A good listener…

Seeks to understand before being understood. If you have gone through the Stephen Covey material (Seven Habits of Highly Effective People), you know that is one of the habits you are taught. Covey reminds us that “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

A good listener…

Doesn’t assume they know you so well they have nothing more to learn. They are open to surprise and hoping to know you more deeply as the relationship grows. They are willing to listen a long time and savor the nuggets of the essence of who we are.

A good listener…

Even listens to the silence when it occurs and listens to the tone, the emotions behind and in the words, the feelings behind the thoughts, the things that seem to be left unsaid without pushing the person to say them. They hear our doubts and uncertainties even if we have not succinctly stated them.

A good listener…

Knows that conversation is (as McHugh says) “a sacred art”. McHugh further states: “Sacred conversation seeks to listen for that divine drama, that redemptive story, the tale of lost and found again that is written in our souls. With this perspective, a conversation does not have one speaker and one listener but always two listeners. When two or more listen in his name, Jesus listens too.”

A good listener…

Is patient and listens long when we are in pain. They know themselves and the Lord well enough that they can be present with us without expectation or a desire to escape since they cannot fix us.

They do not rush to quote scripture passages or ask how they can pray for us. They instead take time to respect, honor, and value us by listening long and well. They know what we experience matters and has meaning for us. Too often Christians stumble with timing here and offer truth before they offer their hearts and ears. Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, “Many people are looking for an ear that will listen. They do not find it among Christians, because Christians are talking when they should be listening.”

Of course, there are more qualities that describe good listening, but those I have mentioned are certainly key.

“Learn to be quiet enough to hear the genuine within yourself so that you can hear it in others.” Marian Wright Edelmann

 

One of the things I longed for, as a child was to have someone listen to me. It wasn’t that I had so many great stories to tell. I think I wanted someone to know I was there, to learn to know who I really was, and to look more deeply into the things I never said and barely dared to dream.

 

Growing up on a small farm meant my parents were very busy much of the time in the hard work of making a farm work. My younger brother’s disabilities also required a great deal of time and effort. Time alone with either parent was rare and usually involved an activity of some sort where that activity was the focus. They didn’t have the luxury of sitting on the porch swing entering my private world.

 

There were a number of consequences to that.

 

One was to question whether I was valuable and worth listening to. Another was to be unsure of who I was and what to do with the unspoken dreams and the questions that left me wondering. One additional one was to seek to listen to and get to know others. I asked questions about them and used them to often help me search out my own wonderings.

 

This last one gave me a great interest in people of all ages, experiences, and types. It was a gift that became a consistent thread, a dominant color, in the fabric of my days throughout my life even to the present.

 

It followed me into my short time as a “stringer” for a local newspaper and then into the classroom as a teacher of children with disabilities. It nudged me into graduate school to become a clinical counselor and later a staff pastor of a local church.

 

What I took a bit more time to discover was there was One who very much wanted to listen to me, even though He already knew what was in my heart.

 

He would never tire of my questions and He didn’t dissuade me of my dreams. He also wanted me to know Him relationally, conversationally, and to come to know His voice so well that I could rest in His love for me.

 

I think I began to discover these truths when here and there I stumbled upon someone who seemed to want to know the me beyond what I did. How did I know? They not only listened to my stories, but they also asked me questions and when they responded to my answers I knew they had listened. That didn’t immediately lead to the One who most wanted to listen, however, but it was a start.

 

That happened along the way as others I met who knew the Lord so well shared about their times with Him, their conversations with Him. Truly, they were rare. Many who knew Him could tell me about scripture or praying, but these others gave me a glimpse into something more, something different. My heart longed to know Him in that way.

 

Then one afternoon while I was attending an international women’s conference workshop in Chicago, the speaker asked us to take a few minutes in quiet ourselves before the Lord to ask Him what He thought of us. I cannot now recall the theme of the workshop that brought the speaker to that question.

 

What I know is that I felt anxious about asking the question. What if He didn’t like me? What if He didn’t speak to me? The presenter reassured us of how much He wanted to talk WITH each of us.

 

Somehow her confidence helped me risk asking and in time, I sensed Him speaking the most loving words I had ever heard.

 

Over time my conversational relationship with Him has grown, but I still have much to learn about listening. I was reminded of that again after starting to read a new book recommended by a friend recently. What was the book title? The Listening Life by Adam McHugh.

 

In McHugh’s insightful book, I have found a new mentor to take me further. He reminded me that I listened even before I was born or was aware that I was listening as an unborn child tuning into my mother’s voice. He also reminded me that when God spoke the universe into existence out of chaos that it listened!

 

As the pages of the book unfolded and my eyes consumed the nourishing words, I was also reminded that listening is foundational to being human even though other parts of creation respond to His direction.

 

Many of us can think we are pretty decent listeners (especially those of us who have done it professionally), but McHugh challenges his readers to reconsider that notion. Page after page contain many highlighted sentences to broaden my understanding, to challenge me to go deeper into listening.

 

Listening is a discipline. It is one we often forget in our desire to speak, in our busyness, in the midst of distraction, in our self-absorption. It is also the essence of discipleship.

 

I am so grateful to know the One who was always waiting to listen to me, to see it demonstrated over and over again when Jesus walked the earth, and now and then to discover it in another person who has spent considerable time with Him and is able to set aside their agenda, their knowledge, and seek out my heart and cherish it.

 

“When we encounter a God who listens, who welcomes us into his space, it changes both how we view God and how we view ourselves.”   Adam MuHugh